When I’m in the throes of my depression, even small tasks feel like they take monumental effort.
It gets easy to let one thing slide, then another, then another, and before long I find myself in a tailspin
into darkness.
And the thing is, it creeps in so slowly, so insidiously, that often I don't even realize it's happening.
During my mental illness recovery, I've watched a lot of self-help videos on YouTube.
Some of the ones that have stuck with me the most are – unsurprisingly – former United States special forces operators who talk about mental health and motivation.
One, a former Navy SEAL who fought in Iraq named Jocko Willink, has been an inspiration and helped change my perspective on life.
There's one quote that particularly sticks with me.
"Most of us aren't defeated in one decisive battle. We are defeated one tiny, seemingly insignificant surrender at a time that chips away at who we should really be."
Something I have learned in my mental health recovery is that it is a game of inches – small wins and small losses. My dad also once told me that big life changes can come from small decisions. That advice has been a game-changer for me.
Big life changes can come from small decisions.
Choosing water over pop, choosing to do a workout instead of binging a television show, and choosing a salad over a burger are all examples of small decisions that, if stacked, can lead to small wins, which can eventually lead to big wins.
There are no big wins in recovery, and I'm finding that there are precious few big wins in life in general.
While we are generally defeated one small loss at a time, we also win wars one small battle at a time.
That's why I work to keep things simple, particularly when I know I am getting fatigued.
I keep my wins small; I get out of bed; I brush my teeth; I shave.
They are small wins, but if you string together enough small wins, you are still moving in the right direction.
I'm not going to lie; sometimes, when my mental health is at its worst, even getting a small win feels like a monumental challenge.
However, something I have learned is that small wins tend to feed each other, just like small losses feed each other.
A major issue I dealt with in the past was that of rumination; not only would I let myself lose battles, but I would let myself marinate in their stench, replaying them over and over in my head, so in essence, I would lose the same battle many times over.
Something else I have learned in my recovery, again partially through therapy and partially through another Willink quote, is that the past hurts, but once it's done, it's done.
"Things won't get better dwelling on the past. Accept what has happened. Then move forward," says Willink.
Moving forward is something that I have gotten better at.
I don't find myself ruminating over the past anywhere near as often as I once did. While I do have a past, as we all do, I have mainly reconciled my trauma and aside from the odd blip, I'm doing significantly better.
In short, I've learned that even when I don't feel like it, going for the small wins can help me when I am down and help me feel better overall.
-Kevin Sabo is the editor of the Stettler Independent and a journalist for Black Press Media
