One of the more enjoyable activities in my ministry is pre-marriage counselling.
I always emphasize communication. I tell every couple (often more than once) that, “There are three keys to successful relationships; communication, communication and communication!”
At least one couple was listening. On the occasion of their wedding, I decided to include that quote in my sermon. As I was making the statement, the smiling couple before me verbally joined in saying emphatically, “Communication, communication and communication!”
It’s clear in the Scriptures that communication cannot be over-emphasized. James 2:19 provides a simple three-point outline for effective communication. It says, “Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters! Let every person be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger.”
First, we need to practice active listening skills or, “be quick to listen.” Have you ever noticed that SILENT and LISTEN use the same letters, but in a different order? This is coincidental, but it reminds us that active listening cannot take place while we are speaking.
Most of our communication blunders occur because we haven’t listened well enough or long enough. Interrupting others while they are speaking or finishing their sentences for them are strong indications that we are failing in this area. Proverbs 18:13 elaborates saying, “To answer before listening — that is folly and shame.”
The late Peter Drucker, management and communications expert, said, “The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn’t being said.” That only happens by listening actively and being “quick to listen.”
The second consideration, “slow to speak,” has to do with our responses. It’s somewhat natural for us to assume that we know what other people want or need before spending a lot of time in thoughtful deliberation about what they’ve said. And we often presume that we possess the knowledge and have the information that they require … we are after all so very clever. But Proverbs, the book of wisdom, addresses this area as well. It honestly and bluntly states, “Fools find no pleasure in understanding, but delight in airing their own opinions.” (Proverbs 18:2)
Our third point deals with our emotions and attitudes as we respond. It’s interesting that anger would be listed along with listening and speaking. However, I’m inclined to think that if what we’re hearing has to do with us, particularly if there’s a critical element incorporated, then defensiveness and anger may very well be the standard response.
Proverbs 15:1 says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Thoughtful consideration rather than emotional reaction is the proper recourse.
Communication, communication and communication!
“Say what you mean, mean what you say, and don’t be mean when you say it.” Meryl Runion
Pastor Ross Helgeton is senior pastor at Erskine Evangelical Free Church.
— FAITH & REFLECTION