Wendy Rhyason, MA Counselling
Executive Director,
Stettler & District FCSS
Are you disliked by a person you barely know? Is someone angry with you and you don’t know why? Are you confused because one of your friends or co-workers is suddenly distant or cold? If you’ve experienced these situations, it is likely an assumption has been made and something you said or did was interpreted as negative and/or hurtful.
We all make assumptions throughout the day about what is happening in the world around us. You see backup lights on a vehicle and assume the person wants to back out of their parking space. Lights on in a store would cause you to assume the place is open. Both are reasonable assumptions. But when you make assumptions based on emotions, without checking its validity, you can cause unnecessary confl ict and emotional pain.
Many conflict situations are caused by people misunderstanding a comment or action and assuming they know the other person’s motives. Because intentions are invisible, we usually infer them from how we are affected. When you experience strong emotions, your judgment can be clouded and cause you to make quick and inaccurate assumptions. When the comments or actions come from a person you don’t know well, you will often decide the intentions are bad. Making an assumption without checking its validity, puts you in the role of judge and jury, convicting a person without any evidence.
Resist making instant negative assumptions in the moment. Instead, put your assumptions on trial. For example, when a person makes a comment and you feel personally attacked, ask yourself if there’s another possibility. Could she just be making a helpful suggestion? Your boss decides to give a project to a co-worker and you assume she doesn’t trust you. Is it possible she thought you had too much on your plate and was trying to relieve some pressure? Before jumping to conclusions, ask the following questions:
What am I feeling?
What is the assumption I am making?
How do I know my assumption is true?
Could there be another explanation?
For someone you know well, does your assumption fit with the usual character and patterns of this person? For example, if an individual makes a comment and you feel it was a put down, think about whether this person generally puts others down. If not, it’s very likely you have misunderstood. Check with the person and avoid the pain of a strained relationship.
Resist the temptation to assume the intentions of others. We all tend to assume the worst when we are unsure. To find out the truth about someone’s intentions, ask the person to clarify what happened. If you can’t do that right away, hold off judgment until you’ve had a chance to talk. Distrust your ability to read minds and to know what is going on inside someone’s heart. Clarify. Ask questions. Talk it through. You will save yourself and others a lot of unnecessary pain.
If you need help resolving conflict or improving relationships skills, contact the FCSS office for our Mediation Services or to see one of our counsellors.